so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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