The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Two words: blizzard sex
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
