The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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