I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
