wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
