Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
