what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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