we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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