dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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