My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Are we still banned from the library?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
