You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
