She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
