would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
