I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
