What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
