I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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