What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
