All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
