remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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