Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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