Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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