Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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