I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i out mim tonsoeep
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
