I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
