Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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