Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
