I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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