it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
