Betty ford says i'm here all night
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
