In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
