You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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