I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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