Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
