Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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