Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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