It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
