Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
