I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
