are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
