Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
