I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
