sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
