I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I think people are normalizing furries
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
