i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
