I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
