Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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