marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
