We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
