Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
