you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
